carlene! (clashciityrockr) wrote,
carlene!
clashciityrockr

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shit is good. real real good.

*this entry is long. its my first real one in a long time. bear with me*

>i've been at school for a week. things are good. REAL FUCKING GOOD. over winter break mike and i were going through some really really hard times. i mean, we've been dating for a pretty long time....nearly a year and a half. and i've noticed that couples usually go through a period around this time in their relatoinship where they either make it, or break it. the honeymoon stage is over...we are realizing who one another REALLY is... we're seeing things in eachother that we dont like. we're realizing that we're not perfect people in one another's eyes, and that we...like many couples have REAL problems that need to be delt with. so we're having this hard time...for a long time. for the last couple months pretty much and over winter break especially we were on and off fighting. bad fighting. liike ' i dont know if i want to be with you anymore' fighting. it was hard. so over break, we're having another one of those fights, and we're both like "its over. we're through. fuck you" it was awful. but we both decided to take a weeek and just think about shit. i didn't want to end our relationship that way. in a fight? we owe eachother so much more than that. so we're both like "we wont speak for a week. think about shit...if we still dont want to be together, then it's over. goodbye, see you next week, i love you." and we didn't talk. it was really really hard for me the first couple of days, but towards the end of the week i was perfectly fine. STRONG. realizing that if it was over, ther was nothing i could do about it. thinking that we had a good run, i loved him, i wanted to keep things together i wanted to still be together, but if he felt differently...there was nothing i could do. and if we broke up, i would be fine. it would hurt like NOTHING i have ever felt before, but i would live. and that would be ok. when mike and i got back together at the end of the week to talk about if we were going to stay together or not...i told him everything i'd been thinking about and feeling....we decided to stay together. after i spoke we sat in silence for 20 min...he was just thinking, and after a long silence he said to me "you're the best thing that's ever happened to me. and as cliche as that is....people always say taht when they loose someone they wish they hadn't. but i'm not going to lose you, carlene, because i realize now that you are the best thing that has ever happened to me, and i'm going to be with you forever." incredible. and since then...we've been WONDERFUL. i cannot express the kind of level our relaitonship has been on for the past couple of weeks. knowing eachother in such a different way than we ever had. i know EVERYTHING about that boy. he knows everything about me. and i still love him. through his faults, through mine, through all the things we dont necessarily LOVE about eachother...we still love eachother unconditionally. and having that is the most fulfilling thing i have ever felt. we're good. our relationship is amazing right now.... i am loving it. makin love ALL the time. having INCREDIBLE conversations. at parties we're apart, and we're together...when we're apart we've having a good time apart with other people....when we're together we're having a good time together. we dont need to be one of those lame couples at parties that never talk to anyone but eachother. we're more secure than that. i've never been in love like this before. he and i are totally on the same page with our relationship and committed to eachother. no more of those fucking fights. we understand eachother so much more and realize what we need to make eachother happy. god i fucking love him. things are GOOD. we're one of the couples that made it...through that hard time. i've seen people go through hard times like that in a relationship, and sometimes they get through it, and make it. like REALLY make it. for good. and sometimes they break. we were the ones who made it. and i couldn't be happier.
>this weekend, this past week, has been great. friday night i went to minoooka with mike for shannon nunn's birthday party. so so so fun! ahhhhh! like a hundred people packed in bob's apartment, fucking great. mike and i slept until 2pm the next day, went out to eat, went to a movie, and went to another party on saturday night. fun fun fun. fights fights fights.
>the boys i hang out with and are friends with are fucking idiots. i love them. i love love love them. but when it comes to drunken testosterone filled boys...they are crazy. there were fights like crazy last night. fucking brawls. 7 people on 7 people. us (not me...but you know, collective 'us' 'our' friends) against them. blood. broken hands. broken noses. more blood. it was BAD. seeing my good firends getting fucking hit in the face. their noses, lips, bleeding. the other side of the brawl even MORE fucked up than my friends are. and you know, if those boys want to fucking fight, theres nothing i can do about it. personally i believe they are smarter than to do something like that. personally i dont understand it. if they want to fight, thats fine. i love them, i think its stupid, but its fine. BUT THE MOMENT THAT MY FUCKING BOYFRIEND GETS INVOLVED, OR HURT....THATS WHEN SHIT LIKE THAT IS NOT OK. mike's not a fighter. he never has been. but i know that he's going to be there for his friends if they need him. and if those boys cant keep their fists under control, and my boyfriend gets hurt, someone is going to fucking die. seriously. if i ever saw somebody hurt him, i would fucking kill them. if he was bleeding, i would make the kid that made mike bleed, bleed 3 times as much. and i bet youre like "oh yea, carlene, fuck off you would never do anything like that, you coudln't fucking hurt anyone". but no. I WOULD. there would be so much rage in me i would just kick that kid's face in with my steel toe boots until his friends wouodn't be able to recognize him. mike means everything in the world to me. i dont want to see him hurt. i dont want to hurt anyone. and the fact that people get in fights SO DAMN MUCH makes me...indescribably upset/pissed off/scared. bob funk would'nt stop yelling at me to leave. i wanted to stay at the party though to make sure that everyone was okay in the end at the end of the mess, but he fucking yelled at me and mike to leave, so we did. we left out in the cold to our car hearing screams and fists and profanities behind us. it was HEAVY. like nothing i've ever seen or experienced before. shit.
>so tahts what happened last night. this morning we slept until 3pm. went back home to dekalb....had the most amazing drive there. we didtn' take any highways or anything either, just amazing clean country roads with the sunset keeping us company and good music on the radio. it was incredible.
>lately i've been feeling a lot stronger. stronger as a person, stronger in my relationship, just stronger in general. last weekend, will said to me "you've been looking different all weekend. just like different. like STRONG." incredible words. since that week apart from mike i'm a different person. our relationship is so much better and again...stronger. shit is good. really good.
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